TW: Loss and infertility
After suffering years of infertility, one begins to accept their fate that children may not be in the cards. Years of doctors visits, reproductive assistance, and tests came to the conclusion that “we dont know whats wrong, sorry”. I have not had a problem getting pregnant in the past, it was always STAYING pregnant that was the issue. None of my 10+ pregnancies lasted past 10 weeks, except one that went to 20 weeks and did not progress due to a super unlikely and rare accident with the umbilical cord.
So finding out I am pregnant and have progressed to 25 weeks is amazing for me, and also terrifying. Last time I was past the point where it was considered safe to tell people. I have not really told anyone. A few friends know, not any family. A bunch of internet strangers, but mostly this has been my secret.
Another struggle is that I have no support community. As an expat, it has been a struggle making close friendships and my friendships from home are difficult to actively maintain ongoing conversations due to the time differences. Even then friends in my age bracket have been there done that already with their children. Their kids are now in their teens, and they dont feel confident offering much advice or remember a lot to share. I feel like I am starting a journey with no compass or map at times.
In the end, despite the lack of community or support I do have the internet, and I am grateful for the progress so far. While i anticipate struggles with being an older mom I also value that I have years of wisdom and experiences that I would not have had as a 20-something mom. My ultimate goal is to raise this child so they dont grow up recovering from their childhood, like I have, and to be a strong independent creative and critical thinker. To love wholeheartedly, be curious and explore, and to have resilience. I may not know a lot about parenting, but I have a lot of love and life experience and its my hope that will work itself out in the end.
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